Are you an organic spammer?

A "Parrot walks in a bar" just kidding, I didn't know how to get this joint rolling, so I started out writing the usual thing in a unusual mood and somehow I ended up here. I guess I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed at stupid trends people adopt with out question. I can trace it back to "Baby on board" signs.Who is the genius behind that one? whoever is, must be in the coin phrase hall of fame, next to the "My kid is an honor student at what ever middle school" sticker people. I get spammed all day as it is and I don't need it on the freeway. I don't care if your kid went to Harvard fuckin preschool and has graduated Magna cum laude of "pee pee in the potty ", I don't care! Just once Id like to see an honest parent put a sticker on their car that reads "MY KiD iS STUpid" in upper and lower case letters for the fun of it. All this nonsense started me thinking about the deep-seated need we have to advertise conformity and sell it as being unique. Fake bullet hole stickers.How did that become cool? Its like someone waring a hair piece, for a minute you think it's real, but after awhile you want to pull it off. This leads me to the next stupid automotive billboard. The rear window stick figure family,you know Dad, Mom,Jennifer,little Jr.,even smaller little Jr.and a tiny little dog. I can't stand it! In some third world countries this is a classified ad for a kid napping. In the same category, I for the life of me DO NOT understand why people need to upload their kids picture as an avatar on Face Book ,Myspace, or any social network. If there is one thing I can't stand is playing poker in a room full of babies that are kicking my ass. I just sit there and stare at a bunch of baby pictures and ponder my stupidity. It's supposed to help me unwind, not feel up tight and guilty for thinking your kid is ugly. Stop it! Keep those damn pictures at home, on a shelf next to the participation trophy. I can't end this joint with out mentioning tattoos. I know many of you disagree with me, but let me ask a question? Why is it cool to put artwork on your body that you would never hang in your home? I have many friends with a lot of tattoos and not one of them has a picture of a snake eating a dragon wrapped around a naked lady,on their walls. On the flip side Chinese symbol tattoos are nothing more than educated graffiti. I guess its just my good sense, but don't you think it is important to fluently understand a language before you get it permanently engraved on yourself? Ill bet there are scores of people running around with "I'M A DICKHEAD" in Chinese tattooed to their necks. If you don't speak Chinese how do you really know what it says. Who knows, maybe there are a bunch of people running around in China with "I'm A DICKHEAD" in English on their necks or better yet tattoos of "Baby on Board" signs on their backs. Either way I'm still annoyed.

why is there dog hair in the peanutbutter?

I've had a sneaking suspicion that my girl friend was having an affair with the dog. I don't know why,but you know that funny feeling you get sometimes...Anyway so I was on the phone frantically looking for something to write on, I jammed the night stand drawer and there it was, a jar of peanutbutter.It rolled to the front of the drawer as if to say “hey buddy” guess what I am for? I hung up the phone and said jokingly to the wall that faced her in the next room "honey are you having an affair with the dog? I asked her again as I engaged the lid and looked inside.I was shocked as I heard myself say Honey "baby" why is there dog hair in the peanut butter? And why is the jar in your night stand? You know if she had put some jelly and some bread in there I would have thought it to be strange, but would dismiss it to midnight snack movie casualties, but no! The fuckin peanut butter jar is in the nightstand, with dog hair in it!! At least be sneaky enough to be sneaky!! I have to admit she left me and took the dog. Not only fucked over by a women but now mans best friend.... Have a comment? I publish all comments for future articles thanks Eugene.

Is It wrong to masticate in public???

I  chronically masticate; I just can't help my self. Its to the point where I will intentionally masticate right in front of the whole family at Thanks giving dinner! One time my grandmother told me to slow down or I would get a stomach ache, so I “slowed” down a bit to humor her. My point is this, I like to masticate in public and I have been known to "adulate thespians while masticating in a restaurant"! There is really no shame in it. I sometimes do it three times a day ..."so what’s the big deal"

Things I think of while taking a shit.

   What time is it on mars?
   (I can’t seem to figure that one out.)
  Who owns the moon?
 
  What does the E. stand for in Chuck E. Cheese?
 
  If someone gives a shit, do you really want it?
 
 Have you ever seen anyone run with scissors?


 Have you ever asked, what was I gonna say? And then act like genius when you tell them all on our own?
  Sure, I could  just look it up but I have to wipe.